CPE is not for Sissies

I started CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) in June of 2010.  I quickly came to the realization that this was going to be hard work.  I learned to walk into complete stranger's hospital rooms and carry on a conversation with them that would eventually lead to the fact that I was a Chaplain.  Some of the people I would talk to would be so glad I was there and expect me to know all the answers to life, the universe and everything.  Others would assume that I was a Holy person, never doing anything out of the normal zone, or what they assume "Christians" look and act like.  There were also the ones that would just automatically shut down and tell me they did not believe in any of that crap.  I would usually tell them that they were in my hallway and I just make sure that everyone gets a visit from me while they are staying here, and if they decide they need anything to let me know.  A couple took me up on it, I ended up getting surgar free candy for a diabetic that was quitting smoking and needed something to help with the cravings.  Another time I just talked with the person about life.  There was the ones that I felt I was suppose to be there with but they totally blew me out of the water.  One man had just lost his son and wanted to cry and to know what he was feeling was normal, this was hard and draining but "good."  Another was a situation where a seventeen year old boy tried to commit suicide, and the family was divided, very hard work.


In August I began the long and hard work of long-term care, and once again I had to walk into complete strangers rooms, and learn about them and their needs.  I quickly learned though with these long term relationships there is a price.  I told one lady I would see her on Monday only to find out Monday morning she had a heart-attack on Sunday and died.  I never got to tell her goodbye.  One week I lost five residents, tough emotionally.  On top of building all these relationships, I had to learn how to work on me.  Why I deflect, why I have nervous laughter, why I don't fully listen to people, why I complete peoples sentences and how that can make them feel.  Changing learned behaviors has been hard work, but the hardest work is learning why I learned those behaviors in the first place.


I quickly learned I had gifts that I did not realize I had before.  I am a wonderful teacher and enjoy every minute of the time I am teaching.  I am good with people, my counseling skills are excellent.  I have growing edges that will make me better, but I am good at this.  I have quit feeling the need to put myself down and point out the things that are wrong with me. 


Working fifty-five hours per week is hard work, and I have to say eight months into this that CPE is not for sissies.  Everyday is emotionally draining, but at the same time wonderfully rewarding.