Can you hear that?

Ahhh Patience this seems to be one of the biggest things I struggle with.  With that said I see the difference in the amount of patience I have now in comparison with only a few short years ago.  My children have definitely taught me patience.  However, when I started the CPE process I realized I still had a major problem with patience.  I process things quickly, so when I am ministering to someone, I have processed what they have said, seen possible reasons for what they are saying and am looking for a way to help them see what I see.  Wrong, wrong, wrong!  This is were patience must be used!  For one they do not usually see what I see, or they are not ready to see it.  Heck I learned quickly before I even got to CPE that most people do not even want a fix, they just want to be heard.  For me this is hard!  I have to make myself slow way down, and when I think I have slowed down, I am only about a third of the way there, I still need to slow way down.  I need to listen, yet to listen I have to be comfortable with silences, especially if I am talking to someone who processes slow.

When I first came to CPE I could only stand silence for a short period of time and then as time progressed I became more comfortable with silence.  To give you an idea of what a great process this really is, now after improvement I can sit for 2 to 2 1/2 minutes in silence and still have to clear my mind and concentrate of being silent.  Don't get me wrong when I am alone or even with my husband I can sit all day without talking.  It is when I am in the presence of others that I have the problem.  My patience is short. 

Here is the problem.  I work with people who talk and process slowly.  They think slower just because they are from a different generation.  One where they did not have to be entertained at all times.  Heck the average age of the people I work with is Mid to late 80's and they are used to a slower pace.  I need patience, wait,... let them talk... let them go at their own pace...Don't be pushy... don't jump in there.... look for their need.... what are they really saying... provide them a safe, comforting, space......  Shhhhh don't talk yet!!....  let them think.....  see them processing... What it's only been a minute?!  What the WHAT!!!  You can do it, calm down, breath with them, match their breathing, be present!     Feel, listen, feel, listen, there you go, now your tracking, your empathizing, your present.

To have patience with other people is one of life's greatest qualities.  They are not talking slow to irritate me.  They are just moving at their own pace, processing at their own pace, weighing all the things important to them.  Not looking for attention, just that is the way they are.  Patience the very word can cause me to roll my eyes, or turn my attention to something else all together.  A very wise man said recently, "To take things slowly is moving counter to culture."  Yet Jesus was counter culture then and his message is most definitely counter culture today.  When I think about it, it is nearly impossible to truly and honestly serve God faithfully and obediently without being a patient person who is willing to wait for the right thing at the right time.  It is an odd thought really to realize that frustrations with my lack of patience, gives me a glimpse into my relationship with God.  God works in his own time not mine.

I'm sitting here in a hospital room waiting to hear what the plan is, when will my husband's pain be relieved?  While I sit here waiting on the doctor, watching my husband sleep a drug induced sleep, I grow weary and start to lose my patience.  It took eight hours to get from the Emergency Department to a room and now another ten hours to this moment and the doctor is still not here.  I'm afraid to go get something to eat, afraid that as soon as I leave the doctor will come.  Patience.  I don't like hearing I need to be patient - never have, probably never will.  Yet I know I must be, if for no other reason than if other people stop being patient with me, I'm in trouble. 

There are two types of patience: one is to have courage to endure, this is the type that gets people through hardships, whether pain or provocation.  For patience comes from a Latin word meaning to endure pain, which is why we call a person in a hospital a patient.  It does take courage to endure, it should never be taken for granted.  The other kind of patience is the willingness to wait.  This kind of patience develops the attitude that things in life develop slowly and over time.  The best things in life are worth waiting for.  Waiting is a high level skill.  It is not merely waiting around like waiting to be served in a restaurant.  This kind of waiting is expectation.  The expectation that God does have a plan and He will give me things in His time not mine.  Patience is a mark of real character.  It is the fruit of believing the right things about God, ourselves, and our futures.  It is not having an attitude of revenge, competitiveness, scrutiny, and harsh judgement.  Patience loosens the grip of anxiety and worry.  It is a generous gift from God, that he demonstrates with us everyday.  Patience makes the effort to understand; it is the calm of not watching the clock or the calendar.  Patience is the restraint of impulse. 

Hiding in Plain Sight

When I was a small child, I developed the skills to read body language, and became very intuitive about what others were feeling.  When the atmostphere in my household became filled with electricity I would find a place to hide.  We lived in the country and had acreage, so my ability to hide was great.  I remember though as a small child knowing that God was with me.  I learned in Sunday School that God is everywhere in our world, when I was hiding He was there, holding me and protecting me.  Some people find the Omnipresence of God sobering, He sees all, and He is everywhere.

In Psalm 139:7-10 the psalmist is trying to hide from God, but finds that he can not. 

Where can I go from your Spirit?  Where can I flee from your presence?  If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.  If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even here your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

Children do not have the corner on the market when it comes to hiding.  As adults we can tend to hide too.  We have cell phones that supposedly make us more accessible, but they have caller ID making it easy to ignore in-coming phone calls.  How many of us know our neighbors?  There was a time when people knew their neighbors and talked to them face to face.  Now we depend on e-mailing them instead of walking outside and talking over the fence.  Some adults have the tendency of hiding within a crowd, never volunteering to lead anything, only able to stand up as "a we" instead of being able to say I believe.... Yet, no matter how much we hide, God know where we are and what we are doing.  If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

Individually we hide even when we are standing in front of each other.  We may not believe that others care for us, love us, want to help us, so we may tend to push people away, only letting a select few truly near us.  I can tend to be part of this hiding crowd.  Not letting people help me,not letting people see the real me.  Hiding in plain sight.  Not letting God work through other people for me.  I will, if left to my own devices, even begin to think I don't need God, yet there he is, loving me, even when I'm hiding.  The truth of the matter is we're only hiding from ourselves and others, God knows who we are and where we are.  For in Matthew 28:20 Jesus says, "I am with you always."  God is still there walking with us, and will be there with us always.  God is faithful and just, God is everywhere, guiding us and holding us.  His hand will guide me, His Right Hand will hold me fast. 

Healing Presence October 27, 2010

Deuteronomy 33:27 

 27 The eternal God is your refuge,

        and underneath are the everlasting arms.

        He will drive out your enemy before you.

It can sometimes be hard to remember that God is taking care of us.  God asks us to trust in Him at all times.  He encourages us to trust Him in all circumstances, with all our heart.  He asks us to release our worries and concerns into His control, and to rest into the security of His everlasting arms.

In the picture below we see Peter, one of Jesus’ disciples, not being able to do that.  For many, Peter is often viewed as being one of the people whom we could imagine being able to trust Christ completely.  After all, Peter knew Jesus personally.  Yet even Peter had doubts.  In this story Jesus is walking on the water and Peter is invited to do the same, but Peter’s trust in Jesus wavers, and so Peter sinks.  Even though Peter’s trust wavers, Jesus is there to catch him.  In our times, when our trust runs low or even when it might feel nonexistent Jesus is still there to catch us too.  Thanks be to God.

Prayer:

Lord let us feel your presence today as we spread your healing presence to all that we come in contact with.  Help us trust in you and to rest in your arms.  Open our hearts and minds to all the possibilities that you lay before us.  Remember the people that we have in our hearts today as we go out into the world.  In your name oh Lord we pray.  Amen.

 

Got Heaven?

During my time in CPE I have worked closely with other Christians from different denominations.  While I find the LCMS doctrine sound, there is one thing that has been bothering me.  It is the denominational pride that people feel.  As if they are so sure they have it correct and everyone else has it wrong.  What is this.  Does this mean that, that denomination is so sure they are  correct in every aspect, that they are the only ones who will be in heaven?  While I think that if you asked a person that question they would say, "Oh no the only way to heaven is through Jesus Christ!" Yet,  I see this attitude among people.  

As I study Ephesians I see where God is talking about Redemption saying it doesn't matter if you are male or female, Jew or gentile, and I see this being taken out of context, when it could be used is such a powerful way.  God sees us as his children, whether we are Lutheran or Catholic, Baptist or Pentecostal, Disciples of Christ, or Presbyterian and we are redeemed through our faith in Jesus Christ.  Let's get real here and see that we are being called to be The One Body of Christ, not divided by our doctrines and creeds or lack of doctrine and creeds.  Faith is a gift that we get from God.  It is good no matter what day it is, it is not dependent upon our emotions of the day.  It is a Gift from God, always perfect always good.  Therefore if we are saying all that truly matters is our faith in Christ why is it that denomination matters so much?

I once heard one of my professors say, "Bad doctrine is like dirty water, it does not necessarily mean you will get sick from it, but the probability is a lot higher."  I think what he meant by this is that if you are focusing on anything except for "Theology of the Cross," you are more likely to fall away from Christ.  Does not mean the person will, it is just more probable.   So why all the smugness, why all the pride, why all the contempt and denomination bashing?  


The Theology of the Cross (Theologia Crucis) is a term coined by the theologian  Martin Luther to refer to theology that posits the cross as the only source of knowledge concerning who God is and how God saves. It is contrasted with the theology of glory (theologia gloriae), which places greater emphasis on human abilities and human reason.  Some theologies of glory would be prosperity theology, where a person would say, "Since I have been good and followed God's will for me I deserve good things," this theology fails when bad things happens to good people, as if they are being punished for something.  While the bible does show us God does punish for disobedience, we would be speculating and not letting God be God if we were to use this theology and label all bad things in the world as coming from God.  I am a LCMS Lutheran and believe that bad things in the world comes from sin, death, and the devil not from God.  And I also believe that over explanation of things can lead to me adding things that would serve me, instead of God.


Any way back to Loving thy neighbor which is what I was talking about.  I believe if I am grounded in my beliefs and know what my beliefs are, seeing others believe slightly different about things or having their own opinion on things, as long as they still have faith in Christ, and are repentant for their sins, I will see them in heaven.  It is the nails in the cross, through our beloved Christ's hands, that should bind us together not our titles, and prideful ways.

Truthful Speech

This Devotion I wrote around the first of March 2011

Truthful Speech

Recently I went to a prayer breakfast where they read a scripture from 2 Corinthians. In the reading there was a list of ways that God calls his servants to commend themselves.  In that list was: purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, holiness of spirit, genuine love, truthful speech, and the power of God. It was truthful speech that stuck out for me.  So I decided to take a look at that one.  I started with the contemplation of truthful speech and thought of ways that I have had problems with doing this, which lead me to Ephesians 4:11-15

Ephesians 4:11-15

And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes.  Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ.

How do we build up the body of Christ?  We grow together learning what each other's gifts are.  We learn how to use our gifts along with how to access the other's gifts.  We must learn to do this without manipulation, cunning or deceit.  Yet we must be able to talk the truth in love, so that all things grow up into him who is the head of the Church, Christ.

What does God want from us?  For us to love our God and to love our neighbor! If we speak the truth to hurt or control our neighbors we are not loving our God or our neighbor.  For to tell someone that their new haircut does not suit your liking, is not what we are being called to do.  We are called to tell the truth in a God pleasing way, to build up the Church.  One God pleasing way to interpret truthful speech is to prepare God's people for works of service.  One way to tell if this is being done is for the truth teller to try to do this in a humble, gentle way, bearing with the other, out of love for that person.  One question to ask would be to ask oneself if what I have to say glorifies God.

Before we speak we could also ask ourselves "Should I say what I am about to say?  Will this truth help or harm the person and is it the right time for me to say it?"  Ultimately one can ask themselves will I be speaking the truth in love and will it build up this person?  Unfortunately there will be times where telling the truth is going to hurt the other.  So we must go back to the question of what does God want from us?

In our times a great deal of what we believe about God is skewed and distorted by meddling imaginations of sinful humans.  In fact I believe that the human race's perception of who God is, is influenced by the presence of sin and people's desire to do what they feel is right in their own eyes, and create a God of their own liking.

We must remember that God is God.  He has revealed to us who He is through the Holy Scripture.  In those same scriptures He has also revealed to us what he wants from us.  There is one Lord, one Body of Christ, and only one truth.  For Christ is the way, the truth, and the light.

To speak the truth in love necessitates the use of both the persons gifts and limitations, so that spiritual growth can be realized.  Why else would God ask us to do this.  Certainly not to hurt each other, but to love, care and to guide each other. 

For Christ after dying for your sins, did not leave you alone, He left you the Holy Spirit, and His Church.  He left you the people within the Church to love each other, to serve each other and to speak the truth in love.  To be His hands, His feet, and yes His mouth. He has promised to always be with you.  Always

Reflections

At a recent retreat I was spurred to write all my gifts down which I have never done.  I am 42 years old and was unable to comfortably write down what my gifts that God had given me, to use were.

It was a Bible Study I did over stewardship that lead me here if the first place.  Am I using my gifts the way God intended me to use them and to their fullest potential?  Then the next question I asked myself was WHAT ARE MY GIFTS?????   I made a list.  My list: 

I'm a good teacher,
I'm a good wife,
I'm a good mother, nurturer,
I'm empathetic and cry at the drop of the hat, and that is good!!
I'm a good friend,
I'm a crafter, as in scrapbooking and such.
I'm sarcastic,
I have a weird sense of humor, and that is not a bad thing,
I'm an exceptional photographer,
I'm a good cook, even though I hide that,
I appreciate nature,
I can drive a bus,
I'm compassionate, yet I hide this too,
I'm a servant,
I'm low maintenance,
I'm a helper,
I'm tenacious,
I have great organizational skills,
I'm highly intelligent,
I'm intuitive,
I'm personable.... 

Do I use these gifts like I should?  Not so sure I do, but right now I do not have the time to do extra.  Soon though I will be an empty-nester and my husband will be a pastor.  I'm not able to admit to being a good person, but I believe that has a lot to do with my theology, and the fact that I believe the only good thing in me is Christ, and the gifts he gives me.  I am ok with this.  This is who I am.  I learned the last statment about being a good person bothers other people, but that is not my problem, because it does not bother me.  When I recently asked a loved one what her gifts were, she listed the other people in her life.  So this is not a thing that is unique to me.  I cherish those gifts too, but that has more to do with my relationships with others and not my relationship with God.  These are things that I have been working on this past eight months, I will post more of the things as I have time and I will post my devotionals.  I noticed that no one has made comments on the posts themselves, I do invite comments, and questions.  Especially if you are contenplating going through a CPE program.

The Narrow Path

  The narrow path is not the easiest path to follow. As I go through this intense time of growth, I realize the new words my wonderful supervisor taught me, SELF CARE, are some of the most important words to learn to do, when you are going into ministry.  For me learning to take real time off, without worrying about what I have to do the next day, or for me what I need to do for the next week, is tough.  I get blinders on and all I can see is the narrow path.  I forget that God has given me things in my life that will not always be there and I need to take the time to notice and praise God for these things.  I know I have taken the narrow path out of context here and am using it in a different manner, yet I have realized that I have only been looking at life through my schedule.  What is due next? What do I need to do next?  What is expected out of me next?  This is a narrow view of what God has placed before me during this time in my life.  I forget about the other gifts I have in my life.  My children, my husband, and my gift of photography.  Each picture I use in this blog will only be pictures I have taken, so that I may share not only my thoughts with others, but my gift of having the photographers eye.  I will also do this to remind myself to get out and take new pictures, because for me this is when I truly feel like I am doing something just for myself.  Self Care.  Two simple words yet so hard to do.  I need to keep in mind that life is to short, things of this world come and go, I need to not waste those things God sets before me, I need to grab hold of each gift and treasure them the way God expects me to.  I must eagerly desire each and every gift God has given me, knowing they are given to me through His grace.

 

 

CPE is not for Sissies

I started CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) in June of 2010.  I quickly came to the realization that this was going to be hard work.  I learned to walk into complete stranger's hospital rooms and carry on a conversation with them that would eventually lead to the fact that I was a Chaplain.  Some of the people I would talk to would be so glad I was there and expect me to know all the answers to life, the universe and everything.  Others would assume that I was a Holy person, never doing anything out of the normal zone, or what they assume "Christians" look and act like.  There were also the ones that would just automatically shut down and tell me they did not believe in any of that crap.  I would usually tell them that they were in my hallway and I just make sure that everyone gets a visit from me while they are staying here, and if they decide they need anything to let me know.  A couple took me up on it, I ended up getting surgar free candy for a diabetic that was quitting smoking and needed something to help with the cravings.  Another time I just talked with the person about life.  There was the ones that I felt I was suppose to be there with but they totally blew me out of the water.  One man had just lost his son and wanted to cry and to know what he was feeling was normal, this was hard and draining but "good."  Another was a situation where a seventeen year old boy tried to commit suicide, and the family was divided, very hard work.


In August I began the long and hard work of long-term care, and once again I had to walk into complete strangers rooms, and learn about them and their needs.  I quickly learned though with these long term relationships there is a price.  I told one lady I would see her on Monday only to find out Monday morning she had a heart-attack on Sunday and died.  I never got to tell her goodbye.  One week I lost five residents, tough emotionally.  On top of building all these relationships, I had to learn how to work on me.  Why I deflect, why I have nervous laughter, why I don't fully listen to people, why I complete peoples sentences and how that can make them feel.  Changing learned behaviors has been hard work, but the hardest work is learning why I learned those behaviors in the first place.


I quickly learned I had gifts that I did not realize I had before.  I am a wonderful teacher and enjoy every minute of the time I am teaching.  I am good with people, my counseling skills are excellent.  I have growing edges that will make me better, but I am good at this.  I have quit feeling the need to put myself down and point out the things that are wrong with me. 


Working fifty-five hours per week is hard work, and I have to say eight months into this that CPE is not for sissies.  Everyday is emotionally draining, but at the same time wonderfully rewarding.