Time is Running Short

I do not have much time left in CPE and I am getting really sad about this.  I have seen the growth in me and know that I could benefit from another year.  There are behaviors that I have completely gotten rid of and others that I have just tempered, because I have learned they are useful.  I do not have nervous laughter as much any more, I am more sure of myself, I realize that everyone is walking wounded, I have forgiven most people and the most important one was myself, and I feel my most important relationship, my relationship with our triune God is stronger than it has ever been.  I have discovered that conflict is ok as long as non-violent language and techniques are used, because the potential for growth is huge.  My listening skills and patience are greatly improved.  I no longer feel the need to finish peoples sentences, and can just sit in the silence without feeling nervous.

I am comfortable with people having different beliefs than I do, because I know what I believe and can articulate it.  I feel that people are not going to hell for bad doctrine.  I believe the only way to heaven is through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and that faith is given to us as a gift from God, for all people.  Because of this I am comfortable saying that there is only one God and that everyone is a child of that God.  I believe there are some who have been mislead about who that God is, and I feel Christ is the only way to heaven.  I do not feel the need to convert anyone who professes Christ as their savior.  This means I do not feel the need to make Catholics, Presbyterians, Episcopal, Methodist, Baptist, Ana-Baptist, and the list goes on into LCMS Lutherans.  If the belief in a Triune God is present, and they have faith that the only way to heaven is through Christ, in my opinion they are part of the body of Christ.  Don't get me wrong I am still LCMS to the Core and have certain conservative views about our sacraments that can seem exclusionary and I feel the bible is authoritative.  However, I feel I will see the people of the other Christian denominations in heaven, and see no reason to try to act superior to them.  For I take the idea of One Body Of Christ seriously.  As do I the commandment to love my neighbor.  To me, this means all neighbors even the ones  who are hard to love or are not Christian.

Do I pray the non-Christians will stop rejecting Christ, and see they need Him to get to heaven?  YES!!  I believe though if I act hypocritical, like I am not sinful, or as if their sins are worse than mine then I am not listening to what Christ teaches.  In Matthew Christ says, that if you just look at a woman with lust in your eye you are committing adultery.  To me this means all the commandments can be taken to this extent and that gossip or unresolved anger for my neighbor is murder.  If I look at it this way then I can only come to the conclusion that we are all sinful, and that God sees sin as sin.  It is only our society that puts different values on sin.  Any sin in God's eyes is a reason for eternal death and it is only through the belief in Christ that we are justified before our Father in heaven.  Will I cram this down the non-Christians throat and pray he or she does not choke on it?  NO!  However, I will befriend them, treat them the way I expect to be treated and love them as a Child of God.  And I will constantly pray that they will stop rejecting Christ.

As my time comes to a close here at Lutheran Senior Services, I can only say once again that CPE is not for sissies.  Whether you are doing one unit, doing a residency, or doing a combined Internship/Vicarage -residency as I have done, CPE is not for sissies.  You must show up every day with the mind set that this is an opportunity for growth.  You must also have a handle on your schedule, and be willing to be vulnerable.

Relationship building is the biggest skill I learned this year.  I mean true relationships. Not shallow, surface, relationships, but true investments in the other person. These relationships must be built without the fear of being rejected or hurt in some way.  Yet knowing rejection or being hurt is just a possibility and not the end of the world.  Another important thing I learned this year was who I am and being totally ok with that.  You can say the biggest and hardest relationship I built this last year was with my self.  And not in a selfish "I'm number one way kind of way," but in a "I am a Child of God and have just as much value as everyone else," kind of way.

I have to thank Reverend Jeffery Scheer for his non-judgmental kindness, loving guidance, confrontational support, and hands-off style of leadership.  He helped me find the confidence to make my own decisions, keep my own schedule, and love my neighbor.  He is a very skilled and gifted administrator for CPE and if you are in the St. Louis area he provides great opportunity for growth with in this program.

I will continue to write for the next couple of weeks about my experiences in CPE, so this is not a good-bye it is just a reflection.  God willing my growth will continue for the rest of my life.

Sometimes You Need the Weeds

I would like to talk about weeds, but not in the way that Jesus talks about the weeds in the parable of the weeds, but with a new spin.  A while back someone said, “Sometimes we need the weeds,” which got me to thinking.  What is a weed? One definition of weed is: A wild plant growing where it is not wanted and in competition with cultivated plants. Another definition for weed is a plant considered by the user to be a nuisance, and normally applied to unwanted plants in human-controlled settings.  However I want to use it this way; a weed is a plant in an undesired place.  Because in this term it is a plant not necessarily, a poisonous plant just one that is undesired.

In John 15: 1-2 the scripture reads, ¹ “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. ² He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.

This then made me think about who the gardener is and what is the gardener’s job.  It is the gardener’s job to plant, water, tend to, de-weed and eventually harvest.

Ok, so if I am thinking of myself in this manner, I then started thinking what are my fruits and how did they start?  I thought of the fruits of the spirit and I know that they did not begin by themselves or perfectly. For when I was young to the faith I was prideful with my works, but I was doing them.  I tended to tell the truth for manipulation instead to the glory of God.  I had tolerance instead of love for my neighbor, and believe it or not I was even more sarcastic than I am now.  These however were my weeds or my growing edges of the fruit of the spirit.  So, without them the fruit themselves could not grow, and become strengths instead of growing edges.  For I believe my fruits were a by-product of my faith and at first they were being done because that was what was expected of me, not because of my faith.  However, as my faith grew so did my fruits, and they got bigger.  It was through tolerance that the true love for my neighbor grew.  It was through that tolerance, that I was able to see the value of the child of God standing in front of me, instead of the assumptions that I could make about my neighbor or even myself.

If the weeds were pulled up, then the growth of the fruit might be damaged.  The roots would have become weak.  It was through the CPE process I discovered that things I would have thought of as weeds had served me for years, supporting me, and keeping me safe.  I also learned not to call these things weeds or weaknesses, I learned to call them growing edges.  We all have them, and I believe we always will because we will not be perfect this side of eternity.  The only way we will truly be perfect is through Christ and I believe that is the only way.

It is through the CPE process that I have figured out that I cannot be perfect.  I don’t expect it out of others, yet I expect it out of myself.  The person I was not telling the truth to in love, the person I was being unjustly sarcastic with the most, the person I was not tolerating the most, was myself.  It is through this wonderful process that Christ’s fruits have been allowed to grow.  The weeds are still there and are not for me to prune out.  The harvest is up to the gardener, the Father.  He will separate the weeds from the fruit.  For I believe it is only through Christ that I even have fruit. For in John 15:16 the scripture says, John 15:16, ¹⁶ You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last.

Through the CPE process I have come to some wonderful conclusions, for I believe whole heartedly now that I am forgiven for the weeds in my life. I am forgiven for the imperfections, or my undesirable ways.  So I know now without a doubt that during the harvest, God the Father in heaven will not see my weeds, He will see only my fruits, from Christ.  For we have been promised that through our faith, which is a gift from God, that the Father will only see the fruit or Christ when he sees us, not the weeds.  It is Christ’s sacrifice for you and me, through his death and resurrection on the cross that your relationship, my relationship, our relationship with the Father is repaired, and God loves His lovely fruit.