Ok with that said, for the last year I have been contemplating, as I go through the CPE process, who I am, and what has God called me to be? Where are my boundaries and what am I willing to do? There was even a time when one of my residents started getting dementia and she followed me around for about forty-five minutes telling me she knew I was ordained and that I was going to hell. I think the thing that bothered me the most about this instance was that I had a close relationship with this woman and loved her. The weird thing about dementia is that it could have been two things, one she had me confused with someone else or two she always felt this way but was too polite to tell me. It was the last one that bothered me the most. Like I said I thought we had a close relationship and she always seemed happy to see me, until this moment.
I believe this is where my contemplation took on a life of it's own. Who am I? What are my gifts? What do I believe to be true bibically? Well it is repeated over and over in the bible that daughters will be prophets. Ok and I teach that is good too. I provide mercy care, still ok to do, I care for my fellow believers and I proclaim Christ to all that are close by. All things all Christians can do. I am theologically trained in the doctrine of the Church of my choice and most of the time very clear on the doctrine. Sometimes a little to heavy on the law, while other times a little to heavy on the grace. Ok I am human. I know how to follow, and have a healthy respect for the Pastoral office.
I will be a deaconess and I will not feel one moment of guilt or ever wonder again if I am doing the right thing.
Another piece to this searching for my identity that I am now able to put my finger on is this.... I now live in a society that does every thing in it's power to make up for the male chauvinist mind-set of the 60's that it goes way over board trying to convince society that men and women are the same.
LIKE HELL WE ARE!!!!! I am not the same as a man. I AM A WOMAN. I have certain body parts to prove it and I think differently than men do. If you want to start a fight with me then try to say I am not as smart as a man and it is on. However, I am different. I believe God made me different for a reason and it was not just to populate the world. I believe I am different because God wanted me to do different things. I am better at some things then men are, get over it. I am intuitive, not too many men have this skill without having to develop it. It comes to me naturally. I am emotional which is a gift from God, and like all gifts from God it is good. I get this gift from my mother and over the last year have learned to harness and use it wisely. I have a capacity for pain that most men would become blubbering babies over, and my nurturing skills are over the top. These come naturally to me, they do not have to be learned. Get over that one too. Now I am not saying that all women are naturally nurturing, yet our society tells them they shouldn't be, so maybe they were at one time, but society squashed it out of them.
I realize some of these comments will irritate others, however this is my blog and this is how I feel, and I have every right to my feelings. I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!!!!!!!!
